Of Authors, SemiSane Irishmen and Ghosts
by Verie
Summary: Sequel to A Morning Started Off Right; Brad thinks an author is trying to steal his identity, which is semi-true, and gets granted three wishes for no apparent reason! Now Farf is semi-sane and Weiss are all undead. *FINISHED*
1. Authors Sitting On The Ceiling = BAD.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Verie: nyert... o.O; It's a self-insert.. of sorts. ... Based on the fact that I got my friends hooked on Weiss (namely Schwarz) for at least a month before they actually had a chance to watch the show... and now I have to find a cream colored suit, because SchuSchu insists that we dress up as Schwarz for Halloween, and when we get back into school I have to start searching for a Nagi because we're Nagi-less, and Farfie's going to a different high school and she hasn't called me all Summer except for once while I was on vacation and she hasn't called me back and SchuSchu's annoying me constantly and I need someone to help me sing songs about toast to annoy SchuSchu and Farfie was the only one who would do that and now Farfie and I can't sing toast songs and so I'm sad. ... Or something. .... Don't ask me where the hell this came from.   
  
  
  
  


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"Hey, Brad! Lookie!! A shooting star! Make a wish!" Schuldich exclaimed. 

"Schuldich, the only wish I can currently think of is to wish that a certain author would stop trying to steal my identity, and hadn't cut her hair today.. but it was actually yesterday because you do realize it's 12:36 AM, but anyhow, and hadn't cut her hair today to look like mine but she got her bangs cut too short so now they don't look like mine so I'm thankful but she's plotting to grow them out so by October she'll look like me and her friends already call her by my name and it's really disturbing and a voice in my head alerts me that if I wished for that it wouldn't work anyway to what's the point?" Brad replied. "Oh, and don't call me Brad." He added as an after thought. 

"Erm... Brad... you haven't gotten into that ziplock bag under my bed have you? That's only for the kids down the street who give me money, you know." Schuldich said. 

".... What ziplock bag?" Brad asked. 

"Erm.. you know what? Nevermind." Schuldich said, casually sneaking back into the house. 

"What ziplock bag?! SCHULDICH!!! IF YOU'RE SELLING CRACK TO THIRTEEN YEAR OLDS AGAIN...!" Brad yelled. 

"THEY'RE FOURTEEN THIS TIME!" Schuldich exclaimed, running to his room and locking himself in. 

Brad grumbled and sat down to watch T.V. Schuldich couldn't stay in there forever. 

"Crawford?" Nagi peered into the living room from the hall. 

"What?" Brad asked irritably. 

".. Can I go get my teddy bear back from Weiss? I forgot to get it when we were stealing back your toaster." Nagi whimpered. 

Brad glared at him. "No."   
"Please?"   
"No."   
"Please?"   
"No."   
"Please?"   
"No."   
"Please?"   
"No."   
"PLEASE?!"   
"NO."   
"... Pretty please with a cherry on top?"   
"I said NO."   
"I won't magically summon the author to make you be nice to me even though she likes you more than me, but she's usually crueler to the characters she likes and she IS trying to steal your identity so-"   
"Damn you. Fine, go get your damned bear." Brad growled. _Damned author and her damned keyboard and her damned haircut and her damned glasses and her damned friends who call her 'Brad'...._ Brad thought irritably.   
"YAY!" Nagi ran out the door, off to retrieve his teddy bear from Weiss. 

"... Where was I?" Brad wondered aloud.   
"I believe you were at her damned friends who call her 'Brad.'" Schuldich yawned.   
".. How the hell did you get past my mental barriers?!" Brad demanded.   
"... I have no idea. Maybe because you're INSANE." Schuldich commented.   
"I'm not insane. I'm perfectly fine. I'm just having my identity stolen by a fourteen year old GIRL. A GIRL, DAMNIT!! Do you have any idea how irritating that is?! A GIRL FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!!" Brad exclaimed.   
"... Brad... what the HELL are you talking about?" Schuldich asked.   
"The author. She's stealing my identity." Brad answered.   
"... ... ... Are you sure you're ok?" Schuldich arched an eyebrow.   
"YES! FOR THE LAST TIME YES! Other than the fact my identity is being stolen by a fourteen year old girl. .. Then again, a voice has alerted me that your identity has also been stolen by a fourteen year old girl. So HA!!!" Brad exclaimed.   
". . . . . Ok, Brad, I'm going to go press '5' on the speed dial real quick, mmkay?" Schuldich asked.   
"I'm not crazy. It's TRUE. There's an author who's stealing my identity, and she's enrolled two of her friends to steal yours and Farfello's identities as well! IT'S ANARCHY SCHULDICH!!! WE'RE BEING ATTACKED BY FOURTEEN YEAR OLDS!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD FOURTEEN YEAR OLDS!!!" Brad exclaimed.   
". . . .Brad, you're scaring me. Again." Schuldich sighed.   
".. Fine, DON'T believe me. But when a certain red-haired fourteen year old girl suddenly pops up and starts claiming she's you, then don't come running to ME." Brad exclaimed.   
"... Yeah, that's real likely Brad. Why don't you just shoot the kid if she bothers you so much?" Schuldich asked.   
"Because! She has author's immortality! .. That and she hasn't come into physical existance in this fic yet, and I doubt she will, because she's a cruel evil bitch and wants everyone to think I'm crazy because she's crazy and the entire situation is crazy and she thinks it's funny that the guy at Disneyland thinks one of her friends stabbed a girl named 'Tot.'" Brad ranted.   
"... ... ... ... ... Ok, that's it. I'm going to bed. Goodnight Brad. I hope you're saner in the morning." Schuldich said, and walked out of the room.   
"... ... Damnit. Maybe I am crazy. But if I am, I want to be able to blame Schuldich.. and Nagi.. and perhaps Farfello.. .yes... I blame them all. IT'S ALL THEIR FAULT I'M CRAZY!! MWAHAHAHAHA!! .. ... Ok, that's it. I'm going to sleep before I become crazier..." Brad sighed and walked off to his room. 

_The Next Day/Later that day, because it was 12:36 AM, you know._

Brad woke up, put on one of his many cream colored suits, walked into the kitchen, got a cup of coffee and put a peice of bread in the toaster. 

"Do they voices still talk to ya, Braddie?" Schuldich asked lazily as Brad read the newspaper.   
"It's not voice-ES... yet. And it's the author. But I believe her psycho friends might join in at a later date." Brad said seriously.   
Nagi looked up from his eggs and stared at Crawford blankly. 

You see, Nagi had long since realized he was the only normal person in Schwarz, but he had always thought Crawford was close behind. 

Apparently it wasn't as close as he thought, but hey, if Crawford was crazy, he could always threaten to summon this 'author' to help him. .. He wasn't quite certain how he knew to do that the previous night, but it _had_ worked. And he had long since learned not to look a gift horse in the mouth. 

". . . Ok, so this VOICE. What does it SAY?" Schuldich asked, edging towards the phone.   
".. Well, she says a lot of things. But most of it is girlish chattering so I don't catch it. She has mentioned that she's the author, and that she has a couple psychotic friends who are.. psychotic. And apparently the Schuldich rip-off irritates her as much as you irritate me. She also alerted me that wishing on a shooting star for her to die wouldn't work, because she's the author and she posesses 'author's immortality' which plainly states that an author can only die when he/she chooses to if it's in their own story. Which apparently this is." Brad replied.   
Schuldich stared at him blankly.   
"Oh, she also said that the ziplock bag under your bed has 'Schu-Crack' in it, and that you are indeed selling it to small children down the street." Brad added.   
"... That was a lucky guess." Schuldich muttered and left the kitchen. 

"... ... Crawford?" Nagi asked.   
"Yes?" Brad replied, sipping his coffee.   
"... What's Schu-Crack?" Nagi asked.   
"... ... You know, I really have no idea. But apparently it's a special form of cocaine that Schuldich has created to sell to small children. At least.. that's what I'm told." Brad yawned.   
". . . . . . . . . Dots." Nagi said.   
Brad blinked slowly. "Dots?" He asked.   
"Yes, DOTS. You know how in videogames and stories and stuff a lot of the time people say things, but they're not really saying anything because they're just a bunch of dots? It's THAT. Only, you wouldn't know it was a bunch of dots unless I told you they were dots." Nagi explained.   
"O... kaaay..." Brad blinked slowly. 

Just then, a person magically appeared, sitting on their ceiling! MAGICALLY! 

"... What the hell?!" Nagi exclaimed, staring at the person.   
"BREET!!! ... Hey look! I'm sitting on the ceiling! ... Sveeeeet! ... Woah... .. you DO have purple wall paper in the living room! .. But purple is cool.. so I don't mind. ... You wouldn't mind turning the ceiling fan off, would you? It's kind of freaking me out." The person rambled while sitting upside down, cross-legged, on the ceiling of the kitchen.   
"Who the hell are you?!" Brad demanded.   
"BRADDIE!" The girl exclaimed, falling off the ceiling onto the table, throwing Nagi's breakfast into his face, and breaking the table.   
"GYAH!" Nagi exclaimed, jumping up and wiping scrambled eggs off his face.   
"... Is that an answer or an airhead-ish statement?" Brad asked blandly.   
". . . The latter." The girl answered.   
".. I thought so." Brad mumbled.   
"Aaanyhow, Braddie, I'm here to grant you.. um.. three wishes! HUZZAH!" The girl exclaimed.   
"Wait.. why does he get three wishes?" Nagi asked.   
"Because I like him more than you, sorry kid." The girl replied.   
"... .. Ok, I wish the author were dead." Brad said irritably.   
"... .. Erm, sorry, there's laws against suicide." The girl replied.   
"Dear God.. that means... YOU!!!! YOU'RE THE AUTHOR!!! GYAAAAH!!" Brad yelled, trying to find his gun, which had mysteriously disappeared.   
"Sorry, Braddie. As much as getting shot by you would make my psychotic fangirl side happy, I can't allow you to murder me in my own fic. You know how cheap that would be? Think of the headlines! 'Girl murdered by fictional character in her own fanfiction.' Anyhow, I can't die yet. Too much to do. I owe people so many fanfics I'll probably be indebt for the rest of my life. PLUS! I haven't become a yuppie yet, I'm just yuppie-larva, and I haven't even completed highschool.. because it doesn't start until the 26th. So I have to wait. And if I didn't have to wait, you wouldn't be being subjected to the horror that is this fanfic. Now, choose three wishes damnit so I can get back to the fics I owe people! ... ... Not that I'll ever get them done." The girl said. 

"... You talk too much. And stop calling me Braddie." Brad blinked.   
"... Jah. I get that a lot. Anyhow, Yuppie-Boy, the wishes. Get to the damned wishes so this story will have a plot." The author said.   
"Fine. First wish: I wish we weren't out of coffee, so then I wouldn't have to go the store, which means I won't have to have that entire produce section fall on me, because I had a vision that that would happen, and I really hate pineapple so I really don't want that to happen, even if it is avoidable just by not ENTERING the produce aisle, but I know you'd magically transport it so that it hovered right next to me while I was trying to find the coffee, which you'd probably make it so that they'd be sold out of coffee, and then I'd have to kill you but I can't because YOU WON'T FREAKING DIE." Brad said.   
"... Erm... ok. ... .. I guess that works." The author blinked. If things kept going on like this, she'd never be able to make this story make any sense, but hey, she could always blame Brad. Huzzah, huzzah. 

"Second Wish: I wish Weiss was dead, because if they were dead they couldn't be idiots and steal my toaster, which caused me a lot of emotional distress and three days in a mental institution even though I'm NOT CRAZY." Brad dictated.   
"Suuure you aren't, Crawlie. Suuure. But ok, I could try that." The author said. 

"Hm.. Third Wish: I wish you would LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!" Brad exclaimed.   
"Nyert. Sorry Braddie, I can't do that." The author yawned.   
"... Fine. Third Wish: I wish Farfello were sane so he wouldn't keep stabbing the goddamned T.V. I'm sick of buy the damned things." Brad said.   
"I feel your pain. .. Actually, I don't. My Farfie just sings songs about toast and vegetables and laughs evilly and whines about stuff with me. Oh, and she gets mad when I tell people she stabbed a girl. Especially the guy who runs the train ride at Disneyland. But anyhow, yes. Sounds like fun, I should thoroughly enjoy this." The author grinned, and disappeared. 

"... Why do I have a feeling that you're going to regret wishing for all that stuff?" Nagi whimpered.   
"Probably because she claimed she's thoroughly enjoy this, which means that in a couple hours I should have a vision of very bad things happening. .. Oh well. At least I don't have to deal with the damned pineapples." Brad yawned, and finished drinking his coffee.   
"... You know what, Crawford?" Nagi asked.   
".. What?" Brad replied.   
"... ... You should have wished for a new table." Nagi blinked.   
Brad looked over the paper and at the breakfast table, which was now broken in half and missing three of it's legs.   
"... ... You could have mentioned that before I'd used up my wishes, you know." Brad grumbled.   
"... ... ... I blame the author." Nagi said.   
"... Damn you and your excellent excuses." Brad growled, grabbing his keys and walking out the door to go buy a new table.... 

**************   


  
  
  
  
  


Verie: ... ... ... I seriously don't know where the hell that came from. ... ... .. o.O; Note that I do not make a habit of sitting on ceilings and breaking tables. ... ... I can't say much about the telling the guy at Disneyland that my friend stabbed a girl named 'Tot'... other than the fact that yes I did claim such a thing. But I wasn't talking DIRECTLY to the guy. I was talking to Schu, damnit. He was eavesdropping. And he really didn't need to look so shocked. Oh, and aren't you happy? Nagi got his teddy bear back... unfortunately Brad doesn't seem to have quite regained his sanity. Poor Braddie. 


	2. The Attack of Semi-Sane Yuppie Farf

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Verie: ... ... ... I think it's sad that I'm bothering to continue this, but oh well... It amuses me somehow.   


  


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Crawford and Nagi walked into Tables'R'Us (A/N: ... my nonexistent imagination couldn't think of anything better... >.;), and were greeted by an oddly familiar figure. 

".... Farf...?!" Brad exclaimed, staring at the man before him, who looked very much like Farfello, only not missing an eye, not covered in scars, and was wearing a black suit and a name tag that said "Jei" on it.   
"Crawford!!! You don't usually visit me at work, what's up?" Farfello replied, in a quite sane tone of voice.   
Crawford did his best not to stare blankly, which was quite hard, but he managed. Nagi, however, did not, and was now giving Farfello the blankest stare of shock known to man.   
"Erm.. .we er... need.. a new table." Crawford answered.   
"Great! We have some nice tables, you know. Since we are a table store. But anyhow, I think we have one that will do nicely, it looks just like our old one. By the way, just wondering, what happened to our old one?" Farfello asked.   
"... ... ... Schuldich broke it." Crawford said.   
"Ah. Figures." Farfello replied, and walked off to ask one of his co-workers where the table he'd seen earlier was.   
"Is... is Farfie really... sane... and... working.. in an actual... business.. environment?" Nagi asked, twitching slightly.   
"... ... He's only selling tables, Nagi. And isn't that what I wished for anyway?" Crawford replied.   
"... You wished for Farf to sell tables?" Nagi asked.   
"... No you idiot, I asked for him to be sane!" Crawford answered.   
"Oh, right." Nagi responded. 

Farfello came back and lead our duo to a table, that did inDEED look exactly like their old one. The peasants rejoice and all that great stuff. 

"Erm... looks good, I guess we'll take it." Brad said.   
"Great!" Farfello exclaimed, taking Brad's credit card.   
"Farf?" Nagi asked.   
"It's Jei now, remember? 3/4 of my brain mysteriously died one day for no apparent reason but luckily I had just got done killing a large amount of yuppies at Starbucks, so then they took pieces of their brains and implanted them into my head and now I go by my real name and drink coffee and invest in the stock market." Farfello explained, "If you've forgotten." He added.   
Nagi and Brad stared blankly.   
"... That makes no scientific or medical sense." Brad commented.   
"Yes well, it does now, because that's what happened, ne? Uh oh.. I forgot to call my stock broker today!" Farf exclaimed, getting out a cell phone and dialing madly.   
". . .Craw... ford?" Nagi asked.   
"What?"   
"... ... Farfie scares me more when he's sane than he did when he was insane. And that's saying something." Nagi whimpered.   
"... Indeed. But as long as the produce aisle doesn't fall on me, it's worth it." Brad said fervently.   
"... ... .. You know you've jinxed it now, right?" Nagi asked.   
"... .. Shut up." Brad sighed. 

One of Farfie's co-workers walked up to them.   
"We'll be delivering your table tomorrow afternoon." He said, giving Brad his credit card.   
"... Great." Brad muttered, wondering what exactly they were going to do without a table until then. Because there was no way in hell he was going to let them eat in the living room. It just wasn't happening. 

And so, Brad and Nagi left Tables'R'Us, as they wanted to get the hell away from Farfello as soon as possible. Because a sane Farfie is a scary Farfie. And he seemed very angry that the Dow has just crashed. And a sane angry Farfie is... really hard to think of. 

"I know what we could do! We could go make sure the author didn't grant your wish of Weiss being dead because then Omi-" Nagi stopped abruptly as Crawford glared at him.   
"You just have to make it impossible for me to ignore your oddities, don't you?! No, it's not enough that I have it avoid your room at all costs, and in the unlikely event I *DO* have to go in there, I then have to ignore your FREAKING WALLPAPER! And then you have to bring it up in conversation?! Are you *TRYING* to drive me insane?!" Brad demanded.   
"If I say 'yes' will you refrain from slapping me?" Nagi asked.   
Brad mumbled and got in the car, Nagi following by hopping into the back seat.   
Brad glared at him through the rear-view mirror. "Do I LOOK like a chauffeur to you?" Brad growled.   
"... Yes?" Nagi replied.   
Brad twitched. "Get your ass into the front seat." He grumbled.   
"Mmkay." Nagi said, getting out and hopping into the front seat.   
"I know what we can do... we can drive by that stupid flower shop to make sure Weiss is dead. Yes.. that sounds like a good idea. And if you make any comments about Omi, Nagi, I'll be forced to kill you." Brad growled.   
"... ... But isn't Omi cute when-"   
"Shut up shut up shut uuup!!!" Brad exclaimed. Nagi snickered evilly. 

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Verie: ... nyert. Second chapter. Poor Braddie. Farfie as a yuppie scares me. a LOT. But I'll probably wind up writing more of him... just because he's... scary. A LOT. ... ... ok, that made no sense.. o.O; and don't ask me why Nagi is purposely annoying Crawford. ... I'm guessing because for some odd reason Schuldich has been left out, and I need someone to annoy Brad, and with Farfie being sane and all the only person left is Nagi. Oh the horror. 


	3. Three Reasons Not To Trust An Author

  
  
  
  
  


Verie: Dear God.. I'm adding MORE?! ~twitch twitch~ I'm scared.   
Also note that I didn't upload the previous chapters the day I finished them, so all the info in them is outdated! YAY! I would also like to thank our new Nagi, for um.. agreeing to be Nagi despite the fact that Schu is crazy. And Schu, if you ever read this, you're crazy. Crazier than Farfie and I put together. Stop trying to scare Nagi. I warned her about you. Also, I don't own Weiss. Or Schwarz, for that matter. I reserve the right to sell them to my friends for absolutely nothing. Which is why Ken and Nagi are being used with permission from Nagi/Shinigami. Schu... I guess Schu belongs to Schu. But I don't care. Anyhow.. yes, yes. Poor Brad. He has to deal with me. ^_^;   
  
  
  
  


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Brad pulled over by the flower shop "Kitty in the House." 

"The fangirls are still there." Nagi pointed out happily.   
"Damnit!! THAT WAS THE ONE WISH I ACTUALLY CARED ABOUT! .. Well, that and my coffee. .. My coffee more so..." Brad said, getting out the car.   
"Crawford?" Nagi asked.   
"What?" Brad growled.   
"You scare me." 

Brad mumbled and made his way through the mass of fangirls, throwing many of them into oncoming traffic. Nagi did the same, only using his telekinetic powers for the throwing. 

Brad gaped at what he saw, and resisted the urge to start screaming death threats at the author, wherever she may be. 

A random fangirl walked up to Brad. 

"Ode to loopholes, ne Braddie?" She grinned evilly. 

Brad and Nagi stared at Weiss.   
Why?   
Because they were GHOSTS. 

"I told you I wanted them dead!" Brad yelled.   
"They ARE dead. ... Kinda. They're ghosts. Which makes them the undead. But that's ok, jah? Oh, and Aya might not look like a ghost, but that's because he's a vampire. I like vampires." The author grinned.   
"I hate you. And someday, I will kill you." Brad growled.   
"Why couldn't Omi be the vampire?" Nagi whimpered. 

Brad twitched slightly and the author stared at Nagi blankly. 

"Um.. because... um... .. he's not?? I DON'T KNOW!! DON'T INVOLVE ME IN YOUR FETISHES!!" The author exclaimed.   
"But... technically isn't it your fetish too, since you just mentioned that you like vampires?" Nagi asked.   
"... ... ... Stop pointing out my loopholes. Also, I HAVE NO 'FETISHES'. ... Obsessions, maybe. But no fetishes. I'm a semi-sane fangirl." The author stated.   
"You are in no way 'sane.'" Brad growled.   
"Shut up. No one asked you. Anyhow, Weiss are dead. ... They're still assassins by night, and florists by day, thanks to a lot of sunblock in Aya's case, but that doesn't change the fact that they're dead." The author grinned.   
"I'll kill you." Brad growled.   
".. You keep saying that. Anyhow, aren't you late for work, Braddie? Mister Takatori will be angry with you." The author smirked.   
Brad twitched and checked his watch, mumbling curses as he shoved his way through the crowd of fangirls to his car. 

Nagi followed reluctantly, he'd been quite intent on finding out if there were any upsides to Omi being a ghost. 

_MISTER Takatori's office_

"Crawford, why are you late?!" Takatori demanded.   
"Because.. um... Weiss attacked. And um.. I had to.. kick their sorry asses, but everything's fine now." Brad explained, cursing the author mentally.   
". . . Weiss attacked?" Takatori asked.   
"... Um.. sure." Brad replied.   
Takatori shoved a paper in Brad's face.   
"THIS WEISS?!" He pointed at the mortuaries.   
A long stream of cusses flowed through Brad's head. All directed at the author, of course. 

"Erm... yes?" Brad responded.   
"Crawford, Weiss is DEAD. D-E-um... .... ..." Takatori thought for awhile.   
Brad resisted the urge to strangle Takatori while screaming "A-D YOU IDIOT!!! IT'S D-E-A-D!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" (A/N: Brad's picky about language. ... or something. ^_^;) 

"... Well, they're dead." Takatori finished.   
"So I've noticed." Brad mumbled.   
"So why the hell are you late?! I won't stand for lies, Crawford!" Takatori exclaimed.   
"Naoe was getting his hair done." Brad pointed his thumb over his shoulder to Nagi, who was sitting patiently.   
"WHAT!?! I WAS NOT!!" Nagi yelled.   
"I... see...." Takatori blinked slowly.   
"Indeed." Brad said.   
"Where was he getting it done? I've been meaning to get my hair done for some time now and I just can't find a place I can trust..." Takatori asked.   
Brad stared at him in disbelief.   
"I.. have no idea." He said through clenched teeth, thinking about the injustice in the fact that if he shot this man right now HE'D be the guilty one.   
"Oh. That's too bad. Masafumi wants to talk to you for no apparent reason, so go down the hall to his office." Takatori said. 

Brad stood up and walked out the door, with Nagi following him. 

"Crawford?" Nagi asked.   
"What?" Brad growled.   
"You do know that Masafumi thinks you're hot, right?" Nagi asked. 

Brad stopped walking and twitched slightly. 

"What THE HELL makes you think that?!" Brad demanded, more than a little disturbed (A/N: Poor Brad. ~shudders~ I pity him. But still.. I think Masafumi has the hots for him. And Masafumi is disturbing. And... I'll shut up now. Poor Brad.) 

"Because. He made Schreient out to be like us, but the only member of Schreient that looks like any of us is Hell, who looks like a female version of you. Also note that Masafumi is closest to Hell, and how he seems to have made Hell his.. um... girlfriend or something. Did I mention she looks exactly like you only a girl? Oh, and also note the fact that he made Schreient to be like us because he's odd. Why would he do that if for some odd reason he didn't like at least one of us? He also seems to be trying to look like you. Which is creepy. So Masafumi has the hots for you." Nagi explained. 

Brad twitched more. "That's a load of shit. Anyhow, Schreient are women. Are you trying to tell me he's bi or something?" Brad asked.   
"He's in denial. Either that or trying to hide the fact that he's gay because his father will kill him." Nagi said.   
Brad twitched even more.   
"Nagi?"   
"Yessum?"   
"SHUT THE HELL UP!" Brad yelled.   
"Fine. But don't blame me if he asks to clone you and turns the clone into-"   
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SHUT THE HELL UP!!" Brad screamed, trying to fight the mental images that threatened to pop into his head. He decided that missing work today wouldn't be such a bad thing, and headed for the elevator. 

Nagi grinned slightly. It wasn't like he had lied to Crawford or anything, he thoroughly believed the story, and he had to get back at him for that hair thing anyway, right? 

_The Schwarz Residence_

The door flew open and Brad stomped into the living room, grumbling irritably. Nagi followed him, looking thoroughly pleased with himself. 

"Naoe, if you EVER start talking about your social life in the car again, I swear I'll kill you." Brad growled, storming off to his study. 

"What the hell was that?" Schuldich asked, flipping through the channels boredly.   
"Just what it sounded like. I started telling Crawford about my life in the car." Nagi replied, sitting down on the couch and only giving Schuldich a few seconds to move his feet.   
"Isn't Brad supposed to be at work?" Schuldich asked.   
"Yes.. but he decided to skip." Nagi yawned.   
Schuldich stared at him blankly.   
"What the HELL did you do to Crawford?!" He demanded.   
"I didn't do anything. ... ... Well.. sorta. You see, we were late, and Takatori got pissed off, and then he mentioned Masafumi wanted to talk to Brad, and I had to alert Brad that I thought Masafumi had the hots for him. That's all." Nagi explained.   
Schuldich stared at him for awhile.   
"You really are evil. I mean.. that's TOO evil. That was just LOW. Congratulations, Nagi. You've become sadistic. Brad's gonna kill you." Schuldich said.   
"Not if he's insane." Nagi pointed out.   
"... Why wouldn't he kill you if he's insane?"   
"... I dunno. He just WON'T." Nagi shrugged.   
". .. Is that a prediction?" Schuldich asked.   
"Damnit, Schuldich. I'm NOT BRAD. Don't ask me how I *KNOW* I'm not going to die, I'm just *NOT*." Nagi glared.   
"Whatever, Chibi." Schuldich said, turning back to his channel flipping. 

Nagi sighed and went to his room to... do... other things. 

_Meanwhile, In Brad's Study_

"Ok... Let's see here... so Weiss is dead, but they're NOT, Farfello is sane and yet... not... So the only wish that hasn't fallen through is the coffee. Which is safely in the kitchen. .. I think." Brad stopped talking to himself and headed for the kitchen, to make sure there was nothing wrong with that wish at least. 

"Hey Crawford, Nags is planning to kill you." Schuldich said as Brad walked past.   
"What the hell are you talking about?" Brad mumbled. Schuldich got up and followed him to the kitchen.   
"I mean he's trying to kill you." Schuldich said simply.   
"He is not trying to kill me. He is trying to drive me insane. The two situations are completely different." Brad said.   
". . . Wait.. you KNOW he's trying to drive you insane, and you don't CARE?!" Schuldich demanded.   
"Of course I *CARE* you idiot!!! I'm just pointing out the fact that you're trying to make me paranoid and it's not going to work!"   
"Oh. ... Mmkay. That works." Schuldich yawned, going back to the living room to channel surf. 

Brad put the newly acquired coffee into the coffee maker, everything seemed fine so far.   
"Now, all I have to do is wait, and eventually I'll know whether or not to be even more angry and vengeful than I am already." (A/N: the phrase "angry and vengeful" is owned by Sam. Yay for angry and vengeful! Fear it.) 

The door opened and Farf walked in, apparently home from work. 

"You must not work for very long." Nagi said.   
"Indeed I don't. .. For no apparent reason. Where's the coffee maker?" Farf asked.   
Brad stared at his coffee maker protectively. It was _his._ He didn't care how sane Farfello was, the coffee maker was Crawford territory, and thus would not be touched by Irish hands. Or any other nationality, for that matter. 

"Yo, Jei. How's the Nasdaq?" Schuldich asked boredly.   
"Crashing." Farfello replied irritably.   
Nagi and Brad glanced at each other, as apparently they were the only people in the household who found Farf's newly acquired sanity odd. 

The coffee maker had magically made enough coffee for Brad to have a cup, despite the fact that I think it might take a lot longer than the time it just took.   
But this is my fic, and if I want Brad to have a magical coffee maker that can make a cup of coffee in five minutes, then goddamnit he'll have a coffee maker that can make a cup of coffee in five minutes! 

Brad poured his coffee and took a sip. 

And then spit it out all over the place where the table once was. 

"... ... Too hot?" Nagi asked blankly.   
"THIS COFFEE IS HORRIBLE!" Brad exclaimed irritably. Three wishes, and all of them were screwed up in some way. Peachy.   
"See? You should've wished for a new table." Nagi yawned.   
"Oh shut up. It would've been crappy too." Brad grumbled.   
Schu and Farfello stared at Nagi and Crawford blankly. 

"Wish?" Schuldich asked.   
"Erm... yeah. Shooting stars and all. Eh.. heh." Nagi sweatdropped. 

"Ok, that's it. Nagi, we're going to find the author." Brad growled, walking towards the door.   
"Wait! Why do we have to look for her?! She'll pop up eventually anyway. For all we know she's right HERE." Nagi exclaimed.   
"We'll be walking past the flower shop." Brad said.   
"I'm coming!!!" Nagi exclaimed, running to follow Brad out the door. 

".... Jei?" Schuldich asked after they left.   
"Yes?"   
".... ... Have Crawford and Nagi gone insane?" Schuldich asked.   
"Yes, Schuldich. I believe they have." Jei replied, pouring Brad's coffee into the sink. 

************************* 

Verie: .. This chapter was hard. And that is odd. Since this entire fic is... basically rambles anyway. Oh well. And Weiss was supposed to play a larger part.. but they didn't. Odd. Oh well... as I mentioned above, I don't own Weiss of Schwarz, in my friends' and my own little world, I own Brad, Shinigami/Nagi owns Nagi and Ken, Shanna/Farf owns Farf, Sabrina/Schu owns.. well, Schu. And Monoke no miko or HOWEVER YOU SAY THAT NICKNAME apparently has claimed Yohji. Indeed, indeed. Also, I would like you all to pity Brad. Because Masafumi thinks he's hot. And that is DISTURBING. . At least in my opinion ^_^;   


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	4. It's Dr. Pepper's Fault, I BLAME HIM.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Verie: la dee da dee dee, la dee da dee da. Anyhow... yes, after that random bout of... um... la dee da's, I'm semi-sane again! YAY! .. wait.. no I'm not. Anyhow, chapter 4. This is getting to be long. Eesh... so much for my usual short funny things. The long things usually don't get finished o.o; but I foresee a better fate for this fic.. because well.. it's not very complicated, really. .. I don't think.. o.O;   


Chapter 4: It's Dr. Pepper's Fault, I BLAME HIM.   
  


Brad and Nagi shoved their way through the fangirls (the crowd today was clear into the road, so shoving them into in coming traffic was not an option, since it was backed up for miles. Although, a few people got tired of this and simply plowed through the crowd). 

Nagi glanced longingly at the flower shop, as apparently they were just walking PAST the shop, and not THROUGH it. It was getting late, too. Soon the fangirls would be setting up their tents and going to sleep, and he could see Omi. 

But alas, Crawford seemed intent on getting past the shop as quickly as possible, lord knows where he was trying to go. I mean.. where do you go to find an author anyway? (A/N: Really, I'd like to know. I can't seem to find anyone who enjoys writing. Maybe Brad will tell me once he finds out). 

A few hours later (A/N: there's a lot of fangirls, ok?! It WOULD take hours to get through that mess. Seriously), the sun had set, and the fangirls had all gone to sleep on the curb, to await 7:30 the next morning when they would wake up and continue their blocking of the traffic. 

"Finally. Stupid hyper-active children. I thought we'd never get out of here." Brad grumbled. 

"Indeed you won't! Shi-NE!" 

Just then, Weiss appeared, decked out in full assassin gear. 

"... ... Peachy." Crawford sighed, getting out his gun. If the author wouldn't kill Weiss, he'd just have to do it himself. 

"We'll get you for trying to steal those toasters the last time we met!" Yohji exclaimed.   
Brad glared at him irritably.   
"FOR THE LAST FREAKING TIME! WE DIDN'T STEAL ANY TOASTERS!!! AND WE HAVE NO INTENTION TO STEAL ANY TOASTERS, GODDAMNIT!!!" He yelled, firing randomly in the general direction of Weiss. 

And he would have hit them too, had they not have been ghosts. 

But since they WERE ghosts, the bullets just went right through.   
Crawford, however, didn't appear to notice this, as he was too busy ranting and firing randomly to notice. 

"Crawford...?" Nagi asked, pulling on Brad's sleeve.   
"WHAT?!" Brad demanded.   
"... ... They're ghosts. Ghosts are like... .... clear. And stuff goes THROUGH them. Stuff such as bullets." Nagi said.   
Brad blinked, firing off a few test shots. Yep, they went right through. Weiss barely even noticed. 

"What if I shoot the annoying redhead one? Can I kill him at least?" Brad wondered aloud. 

"Actually, you can't Braddie. I *TOLD* you they're already dead. They're the UNDEAD. You can't kill the undead, silly." The author picked this exact moment to pop in fic existance (A/N: dun Dun DUN!) 

Aya, getting sick of being ignored, whacked Crawford on the head with the blunt side of his katana. "If we aren't going to fight, get out." He said irritably.   
"Goddamnit, don't hit me with that thing, you sonofa bitch!! And YOU," Brad turned on the author, "Someday, I SWEAR I will kill you. I don't know how, I don't know when, but goddamnit, I WILL." 

"Damnit Brad, I got that the FIRST time you said it. And when you finally figure out how to kill me, I'll fight back with the power of TOAST!" The author cackled insanely (A/N: .. I scare myself sometimes.).   
"You can't fight with toast." Nagi said bluntly.   
"So you CLAIM. But I am Maestro de Tostador! I can do anything if it involves toast and toasters! FEAR MY POWER, KNAVE!!! Toasters are FERIOR! VIVA LA RESISTANCE!!! CLAWSHRIMP-" (A/N: ... Clawshrimp are ferior. ^_^; Too much Penny Arcade + too much DubThis! = results)   
"Ok, you can shut up now. Totally." Nagi interrupted.   
"Mmkay." The author replied, shutting up for the time being. 

Meanwhile, Brad and Aya had gotten bored, and were now trying to kill/maim each other. Things weren't going well for Brad, as every time he shot Aya it did no use, because as I said, YOU CAN'T KILL THE UNDEAD. It just can't be done. .. Well, actually in the case of vampires, it can. Silver bullets and stakes and all that crap. But anyhow, Brad does not HAVE silver bullets, or stakes. I mean.. he's not BUFFY for Christ's sake (A/N: Fic idea? "Crawfie the vampire slayer" ... I'm scared by my own mind). 

And the rest of Weiss had decided to gang up on Brad, which is really unfair if you think about it. Since they're ghosts and can't die and stuff. And it's four against one. .. That's just cruel. 

Naturally, the author and Nagi were busy eating popcorn. 

"Shouldn't we help him?" Nagi asked.   
"... Well, technically you should. Since that's part of your job and all. All my job tells me to do is sit here and be sadistic and stuff. And write, of course." The author replied.   
"... Good point." Nagi said.   
".. You're not gonna help him, are you?" The author asked.   
"Nope." Nagi said.   
"... That's just cruel. Seriously. And I'm too lazy to make you do anything." The author sighed.   
"... Then why don't you just write someone else in and have them do something?" Nagi asked.   
"... Hey... that's a good idea!" The author exclaimed. 

With that, Schu and Farfie mysteriously appeared out of apparently nowhere. Armed with minivacs. 

So Schu and Farf went and vacuumed Weiss (A/N: Casper reference, anyone?) 

"Nooo! What'd you do to Omi?!" Nagi demanded.   
"We vacuumed 'im." Schu replied.   
"... ..." Nagi glared at the author.   
"What? It was your idea. And I couldn't just sit here and watch Brad get his ass kicked by dead guys." The author said.   
"Yeah, but did you have to make them vacuum Omi?" Nagi asked pathetically.   
"I didn't *MAKE* them do anything. I'm a novice author, I arm my characters with something, then I send them out into the world to make what they want of it. Then I write it down and laugh sadistically. Sometimes I make things happen, and I make them do things, but not often. Because it's often funnier when you just sit there and watch. .. That and you know, I'm lazy." The author explained.   
"... Oh." Nagi blinked. 

Brad didn't even seem to notice the lack of ghosts attempting to knock him out with sticks, as he and Aya were now glaring at eachother murderously. For no apparent reason, and not really doing anything else. 

"... .... Crawford's gone loopy on us." Farf said blankly.   
"Crawfie was always loopy. He just hid it well." The author yawned.   
Nagi, Farf and Schu stared at her blankly (A/N: it's do everything blankly day! Have a blankity blank day blankity blank! Note to self: Stop saying "blankly" damned adverbs. ... ... I think that's an adverb. Damned annoying grammatical terms >.;)   
"Well, what should we do?" Schu asked.   
"I figure you have a couple choices. A) You can give Brad a silver bullet or a stake or something, and have him kill Aya. This would result it me getting flamed by Aya fans everywhere, and me suddenly realizing that Aya was _cool._ B) You can drag Brad out of here kicking and screaming bloody murder, which would entertain me. At least a little. C) You can tell Brad that the toaster's broken, thus making him flip out and go insane and a lot of other amusing stuff. D) You can ask who the hell I am so that I can tell you the entire story of how Aya became and vampire and why Crawfie keeps ranting about authors and such things as that. The choice is yours, really." The author replied.   
"... .... I vote to A." Schu said.   
"A." Farf nodded.   
The author slapped her forehead.   
"Ok, let me REPHRASE that. You have those four choices, but all of them except for D will result in the world spontaneously combusting. Now, the choice is yours." The author said.   
"A." Schu and Farf said in unison.   
"... Goddamnit, PICK D YOU IMBECILES!!! D!!!! HOW HARD IS THAT?!!" The author demanded.   
"... A?" Schu and Farf asked.   
The author twitched. "I'm working with goldfish. Ok, I don't care what letter you picked, I'll explain everything ANYWAY. And you know WHY? Because I'm a *NICE* person who pities Brad's current situation." The author said.   
"Like hell you're 'nice.' If you were nice, none of this would have happened to begin with!" Nagi exclaimed.   
"Shut up. They don't *KNOW* that." The author said.   
Schu and Farf looked at eachother... BLANKLY (A/N: -.-; goddamnit. Need.. thesaurus...) 

"Ok... here's how it all began...." The author started. 

.... I was sitting at home, minding my own business, when a can of soda walked up to me. The soda, it was a Dr. Pepper if I recall correctly, said to me, it said; 'Bethie, you know what you should do? You should drink three of me, and then open up Netscape Composer and start typing to see what happens.' So then I replied; 'But... I don't even *LIKE* Dr. Pepper, why the hell should I drink you? And why the hell should I start writing another fic, I owe people about fifty already.' And it said to me; 'Goddamnit drink me or the Schwarz house on the Sims gets it!' So naturally, I drank him. And then I drank his other friends, and I started typing. So I was typing, and before I knew it I was sitting on the ceiling in the Schwarz residence, not the Sims version mind you, but the nifty fic version. Anyhow, so I was sittin' there, when dear old Braddie decided not to turn the ceiling fan off, despite my POLITELY asking him to do so. So I fell off. And the table broke. I think he was pissed off, but I don't remember. Dr. Pepper does that to you. Anyhow, so I offered to grant him three wishes to pay him back for the damage I caused, despite the fact it was all his fault in the first place. So, he made his three wishes, I granted them, and wen't off on my merry way to go play the Sims. By the way, Dr. Pepper is a bitch; he screwed up my game and now whenever I save on the Schwarz household the game automatically closes (A/N: ... I'm not lying either >.; well... partially. But the game closing out whenever I save my Schwarz household is true. Anyone know how the hell I can fix this? It's depressing. I wanna make more evil clones of Braddie, damnit). So I went off to go kill whoever the hell makes Dr. Pepper. But I don't remember, so I just gave up. Anyhow, I came back, and Brad got all indignant on me. Really. It hurt, it really did. I mean, I did my best to grant his wishes? But did he care about *MY* feelings?! No! HE DIDN'T! And now he's threatening to kill me and I mean... all I wanted was for him to turn off the ceiling fan. Is that too much to ask?" The author sniffled. 

".... ... You're aware that's a load of crap, right?" Nagi asked.   
"Don't rat on my story. It's TRUE." The author exclaimed.   
"... .... Wait... ... who are you again?" Schu asked.   
"I'm the author. I thought that much was implied." The author said.   
".. ... So... Brad ISN'T crazy when he starts ranting about an author trying to steal his identity?" Schu asked.   
"... .... .... Kinda. Crawfie's still crazy, but he's not crazy because of that. And that's only SEMI true, by the way." The author replied.   
"... ... Um.. o.. kay." Schu blinked.   
"... ... Ok, that's it. This is what REALLY happened. She broke the table, she granted Brad three wishes, she screwed them up on purpose to give this story a plot, she probably DID drink three Dr. Peppers; but they never THREATENED to sabotage her computer game-" Nagi started.   
"THEY DID TOO, DAMNIT!!! THEY SCREWED UP MY ONLY OUTLET FOR MY SADISTIC NATURE OTHER THAN WRITING!!! IT'S ALL DR. PEPPER'S FAULT!!!" The author exclaimed.   
"Shut up. Her game is probably screwed up, but that's the computer's fault, not the soda. And she did screw Brad's wishes up, and she is trying to drive him insane, and that entire Starbucks thing or whatever that made Farf sane is COMPLETELY HER FAULT." Nagi said accusingly.   
Schu and Farf blinked.   
"So... It really doesn't make and scientific or medical sense for my brain to be replaced by yuppie brain and thus making me semi-sane?" Farf asked.   
"... Yes. It makes no sense what-so-ever." Nagi said.   
Schu and Farf glared at the author.   
"Erm... well, to be honest, guys, I DID leave you a plothole. Just because you haven't caught on to it yet, that's not my fault, is it?" The author asked nervously.   
"What plothole?!" Nagi demanded.   
"Why, THE plothole, of course! All my stories have plotholes SOMEWHERE. And this is THE plothole. The plothole that the entire fic REVOLVES around!" The author exclaimed.   
"You mean.. the fact that authors can't grant characters three wishes because that's what genies do and stuff?" Schu asked.   
The author blinked.   
"No, the other plothole." She said.   
"WHAT other one?!" Nagi demanded.   
"THE ONE!!! I can't tell, that would screw over the plot. You'll have to figure it out by yourself. Anyhow, now that option D is over, you can move on to option B, which is the only option left standing now that you've chosen option D."   
"We never chose option D." Farf said.   
"I don't give a damn. Do I *LOOK* like I give a damn? Because I *DON'T*. Now go drag Braddie off kicking and screaming and everything and think about the goddamned plothole so this fic can freaking END. So I can work on OTHER things. Like my amazing Notebook of Random Inspiration (A/N: Copyright and Trademark ME) that has a couple billion plot ideas and scenes I'd like to write into something someday." The author said, and disappeared. 

Meanwhile, Brad and Aya had moved on to yelling insults at each other. LAME insults.   
(A/N: fill in your own lame insults here. I'm too lazy to think of any right now that are lamer than ones used in previous fics and/or this one). 

"Ok Braddie, we're gonna go home and think about what the wonky disappearing lady said, mmkay, Braddie?" Schu asked, grabbing Brad's collar.   
"Wait!! I haven't kicked his ass yet. AND HE'S ASKING FOR IT!" Brad exclaimed.   
"Yeah! I haven't kicked HIS ass yet!!! Shi-NE! COME BACK!" Aya yelled as Schu dragged Brad away, and Farf and Nagi followed. 

******************************** 

Verie: ... O... kay. ... Yes, that was odd. Anyone know how to fix my Sims game? Or my PS2, for that matter (my Sims game closes out when I save it, as I mentioned, and my PS2 scratches up my games so that they don't work anymore >.; it's all evil. Evil I tell you). Anyhow... yes, Dr. Pepper is what started this fic, and I am out. So now I have no idea how to end it.Blargh. Anyone who correctly guesses the "plothole" will get a.. um.. cookie. Or something. Let's see.. what else was I going to mention... oh yeah, I make fanfic me seem a lot more sadistic than I really am. I have no idea why. 

All of Verie's Friends: IT'S BECAUSE YOU *ARE* THAT SADISTIC!! YOU JUST DON'T REALIZE IT!!! 

Verie: ~shoves friends out of fic~ ^_^; How'd they get here? Anyhow.. for the very few people who read this; as soon as I finally figure out exactly how to end this (wait.. I know how to end it, I just don't know how to get to the part WHERE I end it >.;) I'll probably start working on a fic loosely based on my vacation. Bwee. Schwarz Travels America. Be afraid. Be VERY afraid. The mountain roads of Utah will never be the same... neither will the deer population once Schu's done driving ^_^; (ahem.. blatant preview, if you haven't noticed yet). Basically we'll see Utah, Nevada (namely: Las Vegas. Be afraid, dear readers, be very afraid), Colorado (maybe... if I can figure out what to write... o.O;), South Dakota (ahem. Schwarz at Mount Rushmore. Like I said, be afraid), and various other places I forget as of now. Eventually they might wind up in Portland, Oregon and then in California. Hell, to be exact (Yes, welcome to HELL, California. Formerly known as Bakersfield. Leave your sanity at the door. Ignore the sign that says 'Welcome to Bakersfield' and concentrate on the sign two feet away from it that says 'Bakersfield 8 miles' why does it say this? The world may never know). 


	5. It Reminds Me of a Disney Movie

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Verie: breet. 5th and hopefully LAST chapter! HUZZAH!!! Um.. jah. Ok... disclaimer... Shinigami/Nagi owns Nagi and Ken.... her sister/Omi owns Omi... Mellissa/Yohji owns Yohji, Sabrina/Schuldich owns Schu, Shanna/Farf owns Farfie, I own Brad, and Yohji and I now have joint custody of Aya. 

It's as Nagi and I put it at lunch: Copyright laws were meant to be broken. 

... Or not. Don't sue, I don't have anything anyway. And I owe Nagi nine dollars.. and Nagi, I DO owe you nine dollars, and I will repay you the full amount whether you like it or not, damnit! 

*************   


Chapter 5: It Reminds Me of a Disney Movie.   
  


"Ok, I hereby call a family meeting!" Schuldich declared. 

"We're not family." Nagi muttered. 

"... Ok... then um... evil assassin group meeting." Schuldich said.   
Nagi rolled his eyes, but sat down on the couch anyway. 

Farf joined him, and Brad sat in his chair mumbling angrily to himself like the good little mental patient that he is. (A/N: ~sweatdrop~ ) 

"Ok... so the author said she left us a plot hole, a plot hole that will magically fix everything. Kinda like Tinkerbell only not physically attractive." Schuldich explained. 

Brad, Nagi and Farf arched their eyebrows at him in a somewhat disturbed manner. 

"You think Tinkerbell is attractive?" Nagi asked quizzically.   
"Sure. She's too short for my tastes, though." Schu sighed.   
".. Wait.. I thought you were gay?" Farf asked. Brad twitched slightly.   
"I'm BI, Farf. Anyhow, we're not talking about me, we're talking about.. um... what WERE we talking about?" Schu asked. 

"... Schuldich... you have A.D.D, don't you?" Brad asked.   
"... ... Not that I know of." Schuldich blinked.   
"... Ah." Brad sighed, making a mental note to get Schuldich some ritalin or something. 

"I believe we were talking about the plothole the author supposedly left us." Farf said.   
"AH! Yes, yes, that. Well, now that we've figured it out, we can all relax-" Schu started.   
"We HAVEN'T figured it out. I think that's why you called this meeting. So we COULD figure it out." Nagi glared.   
"Oh, right-o." Schuldich sweatdropped.   
"... ... Is the author making Schu psycho?" Nagi whispered to Brad.   
"I have no idea." Brad shook his head solemnly. 

_Oh well..._ Nagi thought, _At least Crawford seems sane again. That's good._

"Ok, we need to focus on finding this plothole, so we can get things back to normal and I can fulfill my orders with the kids down the street." Schuldich said, as Brad glared at him.   
"Eh... heh... um... orders.. of... um... pixie stix! Yes, Pixie Stix. See, Crawford? I'm just supplying the local children with... Pixie Stix." Schuldich sweatdropped again.   
"I'm going to kill you." Brad grumbled.   
"... Not until I get my money, right?" Schuldich asked. 

"Can we get back on track? I have liver and guts pies baking for lunch." Farfello said.   
Everyone stared at him in a disturbed manner (A/N: yes... the members of Schwarz disturb each other often ^_^; hey, at least they're not staring at eachother blankly anymore, right? Ah.. ha.~sweatdrop~) 

"O... kay... yes, let's get back on track. Let's also ignore the fact that Farf is cooking.. yes.. disturbing thought... OH GOD GET OUT OF MY HEEAAAD!!" Nagi cried.   
Schuldich and Farf stared at Nagi blankly (A/N: goddamnit... I jinxed it, didn't I?), as Farfello cooked quite often when he was sane. 

"Ok... let's see... so... what all's happened?" Schuldich asked. 

_Cue flashback of previous chapters_   
(A/N: what, you think I'm going to make you all suffer by reaccounting EVERYTHING that's happened? I mean.. if I only had a flashback of the important part, that would give away the plot, jah?) 

_Two hours later_

"Did anyone else have a ridiculously long flashback just now?" Nagi asked.   
Everyone nodded.   
"... .. Author's doing?" Nagi asked.   
"Well DUH, Nags." Schuldich yawned. 

"Ok... so... using the convenient flashback, what do we have to work with?" Farf asked.   
"Absolutely nothing." Brad mumbled, Schuldich was busy snickering for no apparent reason.   
The other three members of Schwarz stared at Schuldich. 

"Oh.. sorry. Just remembered a time when I was trying to give Brad directions." Schuldich blinked.   
Brad grumbled as Nagi and Farf turned their gaze to him. 

"This really has nothing to do with anything. So Schuldich, shut up." Brad said.   
"Wait.. I wanna know what was so funny!" Nagi whined.   
"'Nanashi no nihon no michi no kado ni imasu.'" (A/N: "I am at the corner of two nameless streets." I love saying that. .. For no apparent reason. Ah.. ha ^_^; Also, don't ask me why I included that, I felt the need to put my book it good use. You know.. to share the wonders of practically useless Japanese phrases with the world. And when I get money I'm gonna get the German and the Irish versions ^_^ fear. More on this at end of chapter.) Schuldich snickered some more.   
"I was not, and I am still not, amused." Brad grumbled.   
"What? IT WAS TRUE!" Schuldich exclaimed.   
".... The streets have names..." Nagi blinked.   
"But do they have street signs? NO." Schuldich said.   
"... Street... signs...?" Nagi asked in confusion.   
"Goddamnit, Schuldich. Shut up, you're confusing him." Brad sighed.   
"It's not my fault he doesn't know what a street sign is. Poor uncultured kid." Schuldich shook his head.   
"HEY!" Nagi exclaimed defensively.   
"Back on track?" Farf suggested.   
"Good idea." Schuldich said. 

"Ok... so... after the author granted the wishes... ... a lot of stuff happened, but nothing that would help us figure out how to UNDO the wishes." Nagi said.   
"Indeed." Farf replied. 

"Well, I guess we could just make Crawford go to the store and buy some coffee, find some priest to bring Weiss back, and take Farf to the hospital to get his surgery um.. undone." Nagi suggested.   
"I am NOT going to the store!!! THE PINEAPPLES!!!" Brad exclaimed.   
"You're paranoid. Pineapple can't hurt you." Schuldich yawned.   
"THEY CAN IF THE ENTIRE PRODUCE AISLE FALLS ON YOU!" Brad yelled.   
"Goddamnit. He's loopy again." Nagi sighed.   
"That's it. You're grounded." Brad said.   
"You can't do that!" Nagi cried.   
"Yes I can."   
"Can't."   
"Can."   
"Can't."   
"Can."   
"Can't."   
"Can."   
"Can't."   
"Can."   
"I'll get the author." Nagi threatened.   
"Damn you." Brad growled. 

"Well... I'm glad that's settled... because YOU TWO SERIOUSLY NEED TO SHUT THE HELL UP BECAUSE THAT WAS ANNOYING AS HELL!" Schuldich exclaimed.   
"Now you know how I feel when I'm around you." Brad said.   
"Shut up." Schuldich mumbled.   
"You."   
"No YOU."   
"STOP IT!" Farf yelled, getting extremely sick of listening to everyone arguing like idiots (A/N: Sorry to anyone who finds the constant repetition of words annoying... I have driven people crazy from getting carried away with two characters arguing.) 

"Ok... getting back on topic... AGAIN. Let's see... so, the author breaks the table." Brad said.   
"No plothole that we can use there." Nagi sighed.   
"Author grants me three wishes."   
"She already said that wasn't it." Schuldich shook his head.   
"But can she be trusted?" Brad asked.   
"No, but we already knew that." Nagi said bluntly.   
"Well, if we can't trust her, then why should we?" Brad asked.   
"Because. I think she's sick of writing this and wants it over." Nagi said.   
"If she wanted it over, why doesn't she just kill us all off and end this thing?" Schuldich asked.   
"Maybe because she doesn't want us dead?" Farf suggested.   
"Frankly, I don't think I'd care either way." Brad grumbled.   
"Suicidal thoughts, Braddie?" Schuldich arched an eyebrow.   
"No. I'm just irritated. Now shut up, I'm trying to think." Brad said.   
"Must be difficult." Schuldich said, as Brad glared at him. 

Then, the author randomly appeared out of nowhere. 

"GAH!" Schwarz exclaimed.   
"Gee.. great the feel welcomed. Anyhow, 'allo." The author said, sitting down in an empty chair. 

"What the hell are you doing here?" Brad asked.   
"Well, basically you were all being boring. I mean.. EXTREMELY boring. As in, people will hunt me down and maul me Farfie-style if you don't do something interesting. So, I figured I had a few choices: 1) I could use my authorly powers to make Nagi start singing karaoke, while Schuldich balanced on a ball while waving around an umbrella and Farfie jammed his hand in the toaster, 2) I could wait until another day to write this, or 3) I could come and use my amazing powers of evil insanity to liven things up." The author said.   
"Why couldn't you just write this another day?" Brad grumbled.   
"Because, I've got a cold and the only better thing to do is homework. Which isn't necessarily better." The author replied.   
Nagi stared at her in horror.   
"Why aren't you wearing a mask if you have a cold?!" He exclaimed.   
"Because, Nags, I'm AMERICAN. In America we're crazy and getting sick is a good way to avoid school. On the other hand, I'm forced to go to school anyway. But in America we encourage the sharing of germs." The author explained.   
"... That's a load of crap." Brad said.   
"And?" The author asked.   
Brad sighed and got up to go get a bottle of Advil. 

"Things don't seem to be getting anymore interesting." Schuldich mumbled.   
"Shut up. Or else I'll give you more options." The author growled.   
"Fine. Give us some options." Schuldich said.   
"Um.. o.. kay." The author thought for a second.   
"Ok, you could A) play Go Fish, B) send Brad to the store to buy more coffee, C) use me to try to figure out the plothole, or D) play strip-poker." The author listed.   
"D." Schuldich said immediately.   
"B." Farf said.   
"... ... Goddamnit, not again!" The author exclaimed.   
"What? You gave us options, and we chose one." Schuldich said.   
"Yes, but you're not supposed to choose any of the stupid answers!" The author whined.   
"Well, why give us options if you don't want us to choose one?" Schuldich asked.   
"... ... Shut up." The author sighed. 

"Ok... plothole... can't you give us a hint?" Nagi asked.   
"... It was in the first chapter." The author yawned.   
"That's not helpful." Nagi grumbled.   
"How so?" The author asked.   
"Because we DON'T KNOW WHERE EACH CHAPTER ENDS AND ANOTHER ONE BEGINS!" Nagi yelled.   
"Well, whose problem is that?" The author asked.   
"Go to hell." Nagi mumbled. 

"Fine... another hint... um.. Farf and Nags wouldn't know." The author said.   
Farfello and Nagi stared and Schuldich.   
"What?" Schuldich asked.   
"You and Brad are the only ones who would know." Nagi stated.   
"And?" Schuldich asked.   
"And that means that you know something we don't." Nagi said.   
"... Oh." Schuldich said.   
"You're all hopeless." The author sighed.   
"Technically, since you're the author, aren't you the one who's making them idiots anyway?" Nagi asked.   
"... ... Nagi?" The author asked.   
"Yessum?"   
"Shut the hell up."   
"Fine." Nagi mumbled, leaving the room to go do something fun on the internet. Probably Neopets or something.   
"Ok.. great. I wasn't even around Brad for most of this, so what the hell could I know?" Schuldich asked.   
"Well, since you weren't around Brad that much, then it should make it easier to figure it out, jah? I'm leaving.. the damned sore throat is coming back." The author grumbled and disappeared. 

"Peachy." Schuldich sighed.   
"So... This means that only you and I were there at the time of the plothole." Brad said thoughtfully.   
"Yep." Schuldich yawned.   
"So? What all's happened then?" Farf asked.   
"Well... let's see.. Brad's threatened to kill me because of my selling um... candy... to the children down the street...." Schuldich said.   
"Home-made narcotics are not candy." Brad growled.   
"There's no laws against it!" Schuldich exclaimed.   
"LIKE HELL THERE ISN'T!!! You're making *CRACK* and selling it to *CHILDREN* and you claim there AREN'T LAWS AGAINST THAT?!" Brad yelled.   
"There's no law specifically stating that you can't sell... candy to small children." Schuldich argued.   
"IT'S CRACK!!! IT'S NOT CANDY IT'S FREAKING CRACK!!!" Brad yelled.   
"Schu-crack. Schu-crack isn't on the list of unacceptable drugs." Schuldich said.   
"Crack is." Brad growled.   
"Yes well, that's CRACK. Not SCHU-crack, jah?" Schuldich asked.   
"... ... I don't think there's anything helpful in that." Farf shook his head.   
"Indeed." Brad sighed.   
"Ok.. so what else?" Schuldich asked.   
"Nothing that I can think of." Brad said.   
"Not helpful." Schuldich said.   
"I never said it was." Brad replied.   
"Ok... um... there was the time when you first started ranting about the author." Schuldich said.   
"When you were forcing me, against my will might I add, to stare at the sky?" Brad asked.   
"Jah. Then." Schuldich nodded.   
"Ok... sounds semi-promising.. um... anything interesting happen then?" Farf asked.   
"Brad started ranting about the author." Schuldich said.   
"But why did he start ranting about the author?" Farf asked.   
"Because the idiot told me to make a wish... wait! THAT'S IT!" Brad exclaimed.   
"Eh?" Schuldich asked.   
"Wait... Schuldich can grant wishes?" Farfello asked in confusion.   
"I remember now! No, I can't grant wishes. But we saw a shooting star. And I don't think Braddie ever made a wish." Schuldich declared.   
"Don't call me that." Brad muttered.   
"Ok.. so Brad just has to make another wish and everything will be back to normal?" Farfello asked.   
"I assume so." Schuldich replied.   
"... ... Is that even allowed? I thought you just had to make the wish at that exact moment." Brad stated.   
"Shut up! You'll jinx it!" Schuldich exclaimed. 

The author randomly appeared again. 

"Wow! The goldfish figured it out!" She exclaimed.   
"Hey! I resent being called a goldfish! .. And.. what the hell does that mean anyway?" Schuldich asked.   
"It's something I thought up on my first day of school when I was eavesdropping on all the other 'normal' people. They all have the minds of goldfish. As in, they're incredibly stupid." The author explained.   
"Oh... .... go to hell." Schuldich mumbled.   
"Too late. Anyhow, ignoring my current residence, Brad, what's your wish then, ne?" The author asked.   
"I wish for everything to be normal and for you to LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!" Brad said.   
"... That's two wishes." The author said.   
"Fine. Just leave me the hell alone." Brad grumbled.   
".... ... I'll ignore that and pretend you said the thing about everything being normal again. Buh-bye Bradley! Until next time!" The author exclaimed, and disappeared. 

_Back in time, in Chapter 1..._

"Why the hell is our table broken?" Brad asked irritably.   
"I dunno. I woke up, and this is how it was." Schuldich yawned, eating his breakfast on the couch.   
"Get the hell back into the kitchen." Brad growled.   
"But.. whyyyy?" Schuldich whined.   
"BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT EATING IN THE DAMNED LIVING ROOM!" Brad yelled.   
"... You suck." Schuldich mumbled, walking back into the kitchen.   
Brad sighed and walked over to make himself some coffee. 

"Why didn't anyone tell me we were out of coffee?" He asked irritably.   
"Because you should have seen it coming. ... And you're the only idiot stupid enough to drink the shit." Schuldich said, grabbing a beer out of the fridge.   
"Go to hell." Brad grumbled, grabbing his coat.   
"Where're you going?" Schuldich asked, jumping up and grabbing his coat to follow.   
"To a coffee shop." Brad grumbled.   
"Why not just buy more coffee?" Schuldich asked.   
"Because the goddamned produce aisle is going to fall on me if I do." Brad muttered.   
"Mind if I come?" Schuldich asked.   
"Yes. I do mind." Brad replied.   
"Great. Wait up! You're walking too fast." Schuldich exclaimed. 

********** 

Verie: ... nyert. Ok.. that was much longer than it had to be... then again, most of it is probably because I was trying to make it easier to read and make it look like a new something about paragraphs and stuff... which I don't. Ah.. ha. Ok.. about the "I am at the corner of two nameless streets!" thing... I have a book, which is 64 pages long and cost me five bucks. Which is a lot for SIXTY-FOUR pages. But it was worth it. .. Especially since I think my mom bought it. Anyhow.. yes. It's called "Wicked Japanese for the Business Traveler" and... I love this book. Bwaha. ... It doesn't teach you much that would be useful for a normal sane person, but for a psycho like me it's awesome. So yes, go out and buy it and you too can learn how to say "How the honorable shrimp struggle as they choke to death!" in Japanese. Along with "We find meaning of life at (company name)!", "My dream is to be a tiny cog in a huge and honorable machine.", "I have many evil thoughts." and "Their deaths perfectly expressed my deepest desires." Yes.. someday when I have the German and Irish versions, I will write a very odd fic indeed. ~evil cackling~ Oh, and it's by Howard Tomb if you're interested in looking for it.   


  
  
  



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